Update!

1) I'm engaged. And it's wonderful. Thinking about turning the blog into a wedding planning adventure... at least until 11/12/10... stay tuned...

2) Thinking about love & marriage - I love this: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&em

*sigh*

I am so in love with this man... and it's taking up my time... I will blog again soon, I promise...

Believe It and Be Satisfied

I've been thinking about this verse a lot lately. It was given to me by an older, wiser, big brother type of friend. That's all I'm going to say - wouldn't want to jinx anything, you know...

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone… to have a deep soul relationship with another… to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian says…

“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by ME alone, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with ME alone, discovering that only in ME is your satisfaction to be found will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning… stop wishing, and allow ME to give you the most thrilling plan existing….. one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching ME… expecting the greatest things. Keep expecting the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That’s all.

Don’t be anxious… don’t worry… don’t look at all the things you want… you just keep looking off and away and up to me or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) until you both are satisfied exclusively with ME, and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me, and this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love… I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with ME, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and with love that I offer you with myself. Know that I utterly love you. I am God… Believe it and be satisfied.”

My Calendar

My mom got me a rad Eastern Wisdom Day-by-Day calendar for Christmas. Here's today's quote:

"Each of us in our own way can try to spread compassion into people's hearts" - Dalai Lama

give it away, give it away...

Measure in Love

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?

In Daylights - In Sunsets

Thank You, Lord, for giving me 366(!) daylights & sunsets - even in the days when I didn't recognize the gift, you gave it to me anyway...

In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee

There were a lot of midnights - some were spent laughing, some were spent crying - I am the better for all of them...

In Inches - In Miles

Sometimes, I look back on this year, and think how far I've come - how many tough decisions I've made and stuck to, how many chances I took... other times, I wonder if I've only gone a small step in my life - if I've really moved at all... sometimes, nights like tonight happen when I'm not sure I've made the right decision at all, and I wonder - have I learned anything at all this year?

In Laughter - In Strife

there has been lots of laughter and lots of strife... it seems, looking back, what I choose to remember is the laughter

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love? ~ Measure In Love ~ Seasons of Love.

I've learned this year, that I firmly believe that the love you give is as important as the love you take (to paraphrase the famous. I gave and took a lot of love this year - romantic, family, friends - I'm not always good at remembering to give it away, but I try. Most importantly, I was blessed with so much love this year. I don't always remember to appreciate it, but I was.

I was blessed with seeing the end & beginning of love.
I was blessed with learning to appreciate & respect the love that I'm given by my family & friends - we may not always be perfect, but you've helped me pick up the pieces so many times - never faulting me for making the questionable decision or choosing what might not have been the best path.
I was blessed with learning a little bit more about loving, appreciating & respecting myself - my instincts, my needs, my desires... and going after what I wanted not matter how much it might hurt...

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes, Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand, Journeys To Plan

I planned and planned and planned... and learned this year to give up the plan a little bit... On 1/1/09, I'm feeling a little more relaxed at taking it day-by-day... seeing what comes and going with the flow... a little more relaxed - not completely... ;-)

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes, How Do You Measure The Life Of A Woman Or A Man?

In Truth That She Learned (there are many),
Or In Times That He Cried (there were many),
In Bridges He Burned (there are some),
Or The Way That She Died

Gram T

Uncle Charles (with Baby Me...)

I lost two family members this year - two people I wasn't close enough to... two people who I've learned from & respected more not only in the way they lived, but in the way they died.

Gram T - my mother's mother - lived in Jersey - I was her youngest grandchild. We had issues getting along sometimes - I was a smart-mouthed teenager most of the time we were close. Then she started to fail... but even up until the last few years of her life, my Gram lived life to the fullest. I realize I get from her my party planning - my love of an adventure - my ability to take off on my own with a group of people and see what is out there in the world. And - she was my first example of a church lady...

Uncle Charles - my grandmother's brother - Charles had no children or grandchildren of his own - we were his... I didn't take enough time to talk to Charles when he was alive, but I certainly learned from the way he died. Diagnosed in mid-late June with cancer, he let them operate and do a certain amount of work on him, but in the end, he knew what he wanted - no heroics, no trips to far-away clinics in hospitals... Charles - a man who lived his whole life with disability - died the same way he lived - with grace & dignity. I was there the night he died - and it was the most peaceful experience... I hope he is with me every day helping me find grace and peace... and helping me be the new family photographer... ;-)

It's Time Now - To Sing Out, Though The Story Never Ends, Let's Celebrate, Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Yes, 2008, as is every year - is worthy of a celebration... we celebrate for the things we have and the things we've lost... we celebrate the lives of those around us... we celebrate our hopes and dreams for the new year...
And What's Most Important:

Remember the Love ~ Remember the Love ~ Remember the Love ~ Measure In Love
Oh you got to you got to remember the love,
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love, spread love
Measure, measure your life in love.

Early Caroling!

December 11-
River - Joni Mitchell

Back on track! And, now listening to Christmas music on the iPod at work, so when a song strikes me, I'm going to post it.

This is not really a very happy Christmas song, but I've fallen in love with it this year. Especially at the times when I'm not feeling my Christmas mood so much. It's so pretty. I asked for a Joni Mitchell piano book for Christmas...

Lyrics:
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

MIA

I've been a little MIA lately... just checking in... Thanksgiving week was incredibly interesting and has left me lost & confused... A great night rekindling old flames on Wednesday and my tears putting them out on Saturday...

I had a great idea for a Thanksgiving post, when my spirits perk back up, maybe you'll be treated to it. Or, maybe posting it will help my spirits... we'll see... ;-)

Hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving...

Not that I'm Comparing Myself..

to Mother Teresa... I just find these inspiring... and I need some Faith inspiration today... A reminder to love fully...

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action."

Lots more here: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mother_teresa.html

PS: If you are swinging by from Facebook, or anywhere else, drop a comment so I know you were here! ;-)

Ah, Another Too Short Relationship

I only discovered you a few months ago, but peace out guys...

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/11/post-1377-relatively-short-goodbye.html

Love This!

I need to remember this... (From O! Magazine...)

The Love Fast: Giving Up Neediness and Finding True Love
By Rachel Howard
I walked into San Francisco's Grace Cathedral on edge, full of worry. It was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Before I chose to be baptized into the Episcopal Church, in my mid-20s, I hadn't even heard of the holy season of Lent; now it filled me with vague reverence—and befuddlement. In a few minutes I'd kneel at the altar rail, a priest drawing a smudgy black cross upon my forehead with his thumb and half whispering, Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Then would come the 40 days of penitence leading up to Easter, and with them a perplexing practice: 40 days of fasting.
Read More...

Stumbling Through History

Maybe it's because of the upcoming birthday, but I've been stumbling through history listening to Ani DiFranco lately (as I'm sure you've noticed)... I was introduced to ani by an ex (amusingly enough, the first person in my life who couldn't wait to get the hell out of Albany - funny how history repeats itself...) and she's been by my side ever since...

listening today came up with 2 songs - one that has been appropriate time & time again in my life, including today's romantic entanglements, and one that has just a few lines that remind me of my years in Wisconsin, homesick and lonely...

The 1st:

Shameless
"just please don't name this
please don't explain this
just blame it all on me
say i was shameless
say i couldn't slow it down
let alone stop it
and say you just hung around
'cuz you couldn't top it"

The 2nd:
Out of Habit
"art is why i get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
it doesn't seem fair
that i'm living for something
i can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime
i don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
fuck this time and place"

Here's a little snippet of the folk singer:

Ain't Gettin' No Younger

I used to describe other people with this song - I realized today that maybe I should pay attention to it too...

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late